Thursday, January 5, 2017

Captain America to Move to Canada? Eh?

Deep-thinker actor Chris Evans tweeted this when Trump was elected:

Looks bad. When the guy who personally punched Hitler out, not to mention a host of other supervillains, calls you a bully. you must really be a bully, right? At least, that's what all the other actors in the day-care center think, so monkey see, monkey do. Or maybe Zoolander does as Zoolanders do.

Clearly, then, Evans has only one solution to all this. He has to move to Canada. As an aside, whenever elections come up as an issue, Hollywood only recognizes two countries in the world — the United States and Canada. They never threaten to move to Mexico. Or Uzbekistan. Or Paraguay. I guess they think of Canada as one big air-conditioned gated community.

Well our intrepid reporters have since all this discovered that Evans is indeed moving to Canada. We asked him if it's because he misses being frozen in ice (he allegedly spent 67 years frozen in ice in Alaska). His reply:

Evans: No way! Last night I watched @HillaryClinton display everything I expect out of the POTUS. Donald displayed everything I expect out of a 5th grader.

Ex-Army: But doesn't it make sense to you that Trump wants to have a secure border, and be more careful about what immigrants we accept?

Evans: No way! American values are to replace Americans with foreigners. We're watching unabashed bigotry creep into the White House right before our eyes. This isn't about left vs right. It's about right vs wrong

After that we lost interest.  But Evans' planned move is coming along fine. Prime Ministerito "Babyface" Trudeau is so excited he keeps wetting himself. 

"I was so thrilled to find out that Captain America isn't the murderous crypto-Nazi you'd expect him to be, with all that fascist 'patriot' deplorabilityness," he giggled. "He's welcome here, along with all the sensitive, compassionate Hollywood stars. But when you transfer, you have to expect to be dropped a grade of rank. So from now on, he'll be known as 'First Lieutenant Canada.'"

We noticed that PM Trudeau pronounced it "leftenant," unless he was just lisping.

Fortunately, the job here won't remain vacant for long. We've already found a replacement.


  1. But can you get a vibranium alloy hockey stick?

    1. You win the contest that hasn't even been declared!

  2. Okay. I've fuggin HAD IT.

    Baloo, if you shit heels send us anymore of your greasy hippies, your sexually disturbed pan-gendered freak shows, or your unemployable millennial snowflakes... It means WAR.

    Captain Bed Wetter will be dresses in oily rags, stuffed into the breach of a Howitzer and fired at Montana! Assholes! And if THAT doesn't smarten you up will have Prime Minister Turdo La Doo drop in on the Whitehouse - from 30,000 ft!

    Seriously he will last a couple months and that's it. SJW's thrive on negative attention and in Canada he'll just be another left wing choad chugger in a sea full of them.

  3. Once upon a time, I would have called myself a semi-pro actor. I made enough to declare the income on my taxes, pay for acting classes and publicity and even have a little left over at the end of the year. It was a great way to spend the excess vacation time from my "day job".

    I can tell you from experience that even at the regional level, most actors (there are a few exceptions) are not really all that smart and are usually emotionally driven, selfish creatures.


  4. OT:

    Beavis and Butthead watch the 2017 resolutions for White Guys.

    Snoopy VS the Red Baron The Final Battle