This is an embarrassing night for America. We've let a hatemonger lead our great nation. We've let a bully set our course. I'm devastated.— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) November 9, 2016
Looks bad. When the guy who personally punched Hitler out, not to mention a host of other supervillains, calls you a bully. you must really be a bully, right? At least, that's what all the other actors in the day-care center think, so monkey see, monkey do. Or maybe Zoolander does as Zoolanders do.
Well our intrepid reporters have since all this discovered that Evans is indeed moving to Canada. We asked him if it's because he misses being frozen in ice (he allegedly spent 67 years frozen in ice in Alaska). His reply:
Evans: No way! Last night I watched @HillaryClinton display everything I expect out of the POTUS. Donald displayed everything I expect out of a 5th grader.
Ex-Army: But doesn't it make sense to you that Trump wants to have a secure border, and be more careful about what immigrants we accept?
Evans: No way! American values are to replace Americans with foreigners. We're watching unabashed bigotry creep into the White House right before our eyes. This isn't about left vs right. It's about right vs wrong
After that we lost interest. But Evans' planned move is coming along fine. Prime Ministerito "Babyface" Trudeau is so excited he keeps wetting himself.
"I was so thrilled to find out that Captain America isn't the murderous crypto-Nazi you'd expect him to be, with all that fascist 'patriot' deplorabilityness," he giggled. "He's welcome here, along with all the sensitive, compassionate Hollywood stars. But when you transfer, you have to expect to be dropped a grade of rank. So from now on, he'll be known as 'First Lieutenant Canada.'"
We noticed that PM Trudeau pronounced it "leftenant," unless he was just lisping.
Fortunately, the job here won't remain vacant for long. We've already found a replacement.