Monday, March 2, 2015

As Phony as a....

I've come across this a few times on the net, and I reprint it here for your amusement. It reminds me o of the many times I've tried to pay a cashier with odd change. For example, for a $4.53 charge, I give a twenty and three pennies, and the kid at the cash register is completely baffled, never having been taught to make change in school, I guess, to leave more time to learn about racism and other trendy stuff.



Everyone should start carrying $2 bills! I'm STILL laughing!!

I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn't even know they exist!

STORY: On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'

Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'

Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'

Manager: 'No. A what?'

Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...'

Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'

Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'

He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'

Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?

Server: 'I don't know.'

Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'

Server: 'Yeah.'

Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'

Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'

Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'

Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.

Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'

Server: 'What should I do?'

Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'

Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'

Manager: 'Just tell him.'

Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.

The manager approaches me and says,

'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'

Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'

Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'

Me: 'Why not?'

Manager: 'I think you know why.'

Me: 'No really, tell me why.'

Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'

Me: 'Excuse me?'

Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'

Me: 'What on earth for?'

Manager: 'Please, sir..'

Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'

Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'

Me: 'No.'

Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'

Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.

A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'

Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'

Guard: 'No kidding! What?'

Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'

Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'

Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'

Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'

Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'

Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'

Manager : 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'

Guard: 'Yeah.'

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'

Me: 'Uh, no.'

Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'

Me: 'Why?'

Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'

At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'

Manager: 'It's fake.'

Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'

Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'

Guard: 'Yeah? '

Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.



  1. Best Buy in Baltimore County MD had a man arrested for paying with a stack of $2 bills. I believe the lawsuit against BB and the county police is still ongoing.

  2. Some time earlier in the century, when town fathers complained about sailors and their effect on the community, the Navy started paying guys with two dollar bills. When the good merchants found their economy flooded with two dollar bills,they shut up.

  3. Ha! My dad use to get them from the bank to give me for allowance. Since he knew I thought they were interesting he thought I would spend them less freely. It sort of worked. Lewis33

  4. Another one to use for s***s and giggles: The Presidential Dollar coins.
    I've yet to see one 'in the wild' as they say, and they've been out for years.
    They replaced the Sacagewa dollar that went over like lead balloon (which replaced the Susan B Anthony dollar, which was even worse).

  5. My wife collected two dollar bills from the bank. Minty new, sequentially numbered. I presently have 160 of them.

    Think I'll go have me some fun.

    And I hope I get arrested and jailed, because I can sure use the money.

  6. I used to visit Monticello a couple of times a year, and the ticket and gift shop would always give two dollar bills for change. Never had trouble spending them, but perhaps Virginians are more aware.

  7. I always thought people despised the new dollar coins and the two dollar bill because it rubbed it in their face how much value the dollar has lost.

  8. Most people have no clue as to how much value the dollar has lost.

  9. Albert Perez:
    The Susan B Anthony dollar's problem is it resembled the quarter too closely (nearly the same size, ridged sides, same silverish color). The public rejected it and vending machine companies refused to adopt it, soon going to bill acceptors.
    The Sacagewea dollar fixed those problems (smooth sides, 'golden' color) but by 2000 it was about 20 years too late.

  10. Another fun wrinkle I enjoy and you can too! When paying for something, lean over and ask the cashier if they accept 'federal reserve notes' in payment. Most of the time this question sets off a flurry of semi-panicked consultations with a manager, who more often than not, will inform me that they Do Not Accept 'federal reserve notes' - I must have cash! .....and then it's time to spring the gag, along with a good-natured laugh and explanation. Occasionally somebody listening will want to know more, and I have an opportunity to educate....

  11. I don't think I've actually handled a $2 dollar bill since the Carter administration.

  12. I remember right after Bill got a hummer from Monica someone made up some pretty convincing 3 dollar bills with the Adulterer in chief on them. They were all the rage at gun shows for a while.
    I've got a buncha 2 dollar bills, methinks I will go out and play with them.......... with a few federal reserve notes thrown in for good measure!