Friday, September 13, 2013

Dirty Birds

I think it was in Konrad Lorenz's On Aggression, or maybe in Robert Ardrey's commentary on it that I first came across the notion that birds aren't what they seem. Specifically, when a bird is singing in a tree he's not making joyous music, or rhapsodizing on the beauties of nature.  No, he's telling other birds of the same species, particularly the male ones, "This is my goddam tree.  If you come near my tree, I'll kick the @$%@ out of you." And he would, too.  Lorenz and Ardrey are both worth reading if you want to purge yourself of the Bambi-ist theory of the natural world. Nature is red indeed, in tooth and claw.  And beak. And whatever sticks and rocks it can get hold of. A realistic concept of nature, it seems to me, is essential if you're going to have a realistic concept of anything.  You can break your neck on a pathetic fallacy, and that would be pathetic. Well, over at Takimag, Gavin McInnes takes fluffy little birdies on, and concludes that they're as phony as a Clinton. Don't be too quick to take Tweety's side over poor old Sylvester.  And this is worth reading to the end just for the punch line:

10 Birds That Act Like Dicks

At first glance, birds look like wonderful creatures who could do no wrong. It turns out that some of them are total jerks who bully the native species out of their nests.

The multiculturalists tell me all cultures are equally beautiful and say the world’s cultures are like beautiful myriad birds where the different species fly through the air showing off their stunning colors and singing their wonderful songs. This is merely wishful thinking, because everyone knows that most cultures suck. Fact is, a lot of birds are complete assholes, too. For example…


If you have a hummingbird feeder on your property, you may have noticed the males all look exactly the same. That’s because it’s the same guy. The hummingbird is an egomaniac that will not only claim your feeder as his personal property, he will stake the same claim to every feeder in the area. Put up six around your house and he’ll fly a circuit around the property making sure no one else gets even a taste of sugar. He’s like an unwanted houseguest who drinks all the beer in your refrigerator.
“Fact is, a lot of birds are complete assholes.”


The only thing more evil than a starling is a crow. They will eat just about anything, and they particularly enjoy devouring baby birds. A robin is about the cutest bird around and its song sounds like your eardrums are being kissed on the lips, but crows eat them all the time. Crows’ insatiable appetite extends to a taste for bluebirds, frogs, roadkill, and garbage. No wonder they call it a “murder” of crows.

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