Friday, September 20, 2013

America Sahiba

I've been trying, truly I have, to write something insightful about the Miss America dustup, where a Hindostani-American ("Indian" is too ambiguous) was selected for the role, spurring a handful of people to object, giving hordes of professional liberal offense-takers to wallow in orgasmic psuedo-indignation. But that would have meant reading up on it all, and it's hard to imagine anything intrinsically more boring than the inner workings of beauty pageants. So I waited, knowing that some other right-wing crank like myself would make the effort, saving me the trouble. And I was right to do so, because Gavin MacInnes has written something far more probing than I could have hoped to do. I had no idea what a bunch of sickos were in charge of the judging. Sounds like they rounded them up from the bar scene in Star Wars. Well, the illustration is Sally Bollywood, who is cute enough to suit anybody. Hare Krishna to you all.  Oh, what the heck.  Watch a Sally cartoon, and then read Gavin's essay:

The Myth America Pageant

Last week, America was allegedly aghast over the first Indian Miss America. TIME said the pageant had become “Marred by Racist Slurs.” Huffington Post described a “flurry of indignation” and CNN said she was “attacked.” MSNBC said viewers “lashed out” at the winner for “her ethnicity.”

So what was all this hateful bile America was spewing? What was so repugnant it made Stephen Colbert “totally lose it”? Once again, the answer is: nothing. Without exception, the outrage was related to Tweets. That’s right. Twitter. The place in cyberland where adolescents tell their 13 followers how tired they are and say, “Fuck you faggot” to their friend who refuses to root for Green Bay. You know you’re desperate to find a villain when you have to mine the flippant comments of 500 million users to locate examples. Wow, a teenager named Dallas thinks Indians are Arabs. Oh no, a fat kid named Colton thinks the Miss America contestant did “Egypt dancing.” You know what else teenagers say? “This apartment isn’t zombie-proof.”
“If you’re looking for intolerance, you may want to check in with the Muslims you think everyone’s refusing to tolerate.”

One of the most quoted Tweeters during this fake crisis was someone who goes by the screen name @emi_adkins and told Davuluri “you look like a terrorist.” This person has zero followers. The only Tweet from an account of any consequence was Fox News contributor Todd Starnes who said, “Miss Kansas, a gun-toting, deer-hunting, military veteran was America’s choice - but not the liberal Miss America judges’ choice.” Starnes is the author of the book Dispatches from Bitter America which depicts a pair of overalls carrying a gun and a Bible. If he can’t prefer the contestant who was a gun-toting war vet, who can?

And he’s right! America did choose the gun-toting contestant via social media, but the judges overrode them and went for the diversity dollar. Once again, the root of all evil is the notorious hatefact. The judges Starnes claims are not exactly in line with Miss Kansas include the very gay Lance Bass, the even more gay Mario Cantone, the ridiculously lesbian Barbara Corcoran, the rumored to be gay Joshua Bell, and an androgynous looking chef with a “big gay following.” (Keep reading HERE.)

And if all that isn't enough to explain it, there's this anonymous piece over at Alternative Right:

“US wakes up to a Miss America of Indian descent” reads a headline from Yahoo “News” that I clicked on out of sheer self hatred. It only gets worse from there, but right out of the gate, fuck your stupid headline. To justify the use of the phrase “US wakes up to…,” whatever comes after “to” must be something that the majority of people in the US are affected by and/or give a minimal fuck about – such as “US wakes up to a World at War” or “US wakes up to a New Post at Unleash The Beef.” You know what? Fuck it, I’ll lower the bar: How about just three percent of people in the US have to give a fuck about whatever it is you’re wasting text on to justify use of that phrase? Let’s go to the numbers. The Miss America pageant drew 8.4 million viewers out of a population of 314 million people. Oh! Just missed that 3% mark with 2.7% of the US Government’s tax slaves breathing through their mouths in front of televisions tuned to the Miss America pageant.

This just in: Nobody gives a fuck about the Miss America pageant. It’s not the 19-everything-before-the-internets anymore. Airing something on what used to be a “major television network” no longer automatically propels it to cultural significance. More people woke up to a computer idling on and dried semen idling in their belly button than woke up to this brave new world headlined by some broad nobody gives two rupees about. Go check the stats on the most popular YouJizz videos – I promise you they have higher numbers than the Miss America pageant. Hell, I didn’t jerk off last night yet I still had no idea that a Miss America pageant took place until I saw that hyperbolic headline. Miss America, Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition, Playboy, professional boxing, personal liberty, and truth – the average American has no interest in these formerly beloved institutions so why waste time publishing stories on any of them?

“For the first time America’s top beauty queen is a woman of Indian origin.” Whoa. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. I thought race, creed, color, and every other potential identifier were insignificant in our wonderful little postmodern culture where tolerance trumps all and gender identification is whatever you want it to be for the afternoon. Oops, my bad. The only irrelevancy is white maleness. Silly me – not recognizing an opportunity to celebrate diversity. Me. Of all people – when on this very site I’ve taken the time to explicitly define diversity:

di·ver·si·ty noun: the forced celebration of any and everything non-white unless it’s crippled or retarded

I wonder if India would have awoken in a celebratory embrace of their newfound diversity in meaningless pageantry had some honky tonk Midwestern lass turned up on the Miss India stage and performed an all-American square dance. But now that we’ve celebrated the precise traits of the new Miss America that we’d be condemned for celebrating were she white, let’s turn our attention to the staggering laziness of this article’s author, who has wisely avoided including their name. On second thought, it’s more likely s/he was simply too lazy to stroke a few more keys to credit their own authorship. (And you can read the rest of this one HERE.)

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